This is War

So this is the time of year where everyone starts freaking out because it is bathing suit season and they all want to look like models. Well when it comes down to it not even the models really look like how they are pictured in the media. I feel like everyone is always concerned about being thin and tan. I think about it sometimes but then I realize that it is just not reality for me. I was born white and with the genetic makeup to have curves. True I could probably loose weight but would I be doing it for me or to have the perfect image? Why are people complaining about having 5 lbs of a little extra weight on them or having cellulite, which most girls do! Is everyone doing this for themselves or so they can unrealistically impress people? If they are trying to impress people, is it someone that cares only about looks? Do i even want to try to have a perfect swimsuit body? Would I be comprising who I am just to look good for other people? Gah! I hate feeling like this but it happens to me every year. Why do I care?!

All Grown Up?

I am so confused about growing up and how to do it. I am 20 years old and I know that is not that old for some but I feel like I need to have everything figured out on my own by now. Some people do so why don't I? I feel like I should know what to do in every situation in my life and how to handle my feelings properly. I should know who I am by now and what I want to do with myself but alas I HAVE NO IDEA!!! Where is that person that tells me what to do to better my life and how to live it happily and righteously? Who do I turn to? It is not like I don't have friends that I can turn to and I frequently do but sometimes I am just so confused and afraid that no one will understand or be able to help me. And I know I should turn to prayer but sometimes I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is alright and will turn out for the best. It is hard for me to accept help so that makes it harder to ask my friends who are more than willing to help me. Where is my mindreader that just knows that I need help?

So Much To Do

I am planning for this summer and trying to work out the details of simply living. I would like to get to the point where I am self sufficient but it feels like that is so far away. I need to figure out where I am living next school year and what I am going to take in school. Then I have to decided what I want to do with myself after I get my associates degree. I don't know if I want to try for a bachelors degree but I know it is the smarter option. I just hate school so much. What do you do when you are torn apart on the inside. I have many choices to make in life. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to be told what to do but that completely goes against everything I stand for.

I am starting spring break right now. I just had my last class which had the only midterm I have this semester so we will see what I get. I did not study as much as I should have but hopefully I didn't fail. I need to take school more seriously but it is hard for me to do. Then I think about it and I wonder if it is really easy for anyone. I am going to go enjoy my spring break and go pack for the renaissance festival and the rest of break. How fun.

P.S. My fish Disco Pete died a few weeks ago...am I turning into Mary Ann!?! jk

Laugh

Today I went to take a nap on the grass with friends. We took out a blanket and laid it in the shade on our school campus. We did not end up sleeping but it was a blast anyways! We talked about random memories and other such fun stuff. The weather is so wonderful out today. There were lots of tickle fights, which is kinda not always fun for me because I'm not ticklish but it was fun today! We tried to shove grass in each other's mouths and succeed a few times. It was hard because I open my mouth when I laugh and when people are sitting on top of you trying to shove grass in it, it becomes even harder! So I tried not opening my mouth and it went up my nose making me laugh even more. We played a game where you lay your head on a friends stomach and create a chain of heads on tummies and then you laugh and your stomach moves up and down making the person on you laugh. Anyways I am having a game night at my house tonight and I am excited. I love hanging out with friends! :D It makes me happy!

Life

What am I going to do for the rest of my life? I have no idea! There are sooo many options and I am kinda freaking out right now with all of life's decisions. I am going to Alaska this summer and I already have a job. I cannot wait! But I do not know what to do after that. Should I go on a mission? should I buy a car and find a full time job to pay it off? If i buy a car what kind should I get? A nice one that will last me a long while or a cheap one that I can pay for easily? There are so many choices and I am so unsure about everything thing right now. GAH!

So I am dancing at the Renaissance Festival every weekend and while I love doing it, it takes up so much time and I am at a loss for time. My fish died this last weekend when I was gone and thank goodness my roommate was there to dispose of Disco Pete. I miss having animals around me. I miss Missy, the cat that lives at my parents house. I want a female weimaraner dog and name her daisy. I have recently decided that sunflowers are my favorite flowers right now.

Love

I love you guys! yes you the ones reading my blog! ;D